I had read something today that basically described my shower routine to to tee so, since I just showered, I would let you know all that is entailed in being a pregnant woman and showering.
Lying sprawled out on the couch....I think about taking a shower.
An entire episode of "A baby story" goes by and I still haven't moved. Finally, I flip myself onto the floor. I decide to take a small rest and Matt comes in laughing. I swing my legs for a bit for the momentum to get up. Still laughing, Matt grabs my hands to give me a pull. Because I now outweigh him by at least 20 pounds, I almost take him down. Finally, the two of us triumphantly stand up.
Winded as though I have advanced tuberculosis, I slowly huff to the bathroom.
Now is the tricky part...removing the clothes. I peel of my shirt and after a few tries unsnap my bra and succeed. My new pregnant cannon-sized boobs bounce off my belly and jiggle a bit and finally settle down several inches below where the bra secured them. I then slip down my maternity sweatpants and granny panties and awkwardly lean to take off my socks. There are indention marks where the socks were because my legs, ankles and feet are swollen.
Now that I am naked I stare at myself in the mirror with disbelief. Holy Crap! Is that really my body?!
Step into the shower and try and shave the legs. I try to suck in my belly while arching my back, still failing to have a view, lifting my leg onto the side of the tub and go at it blind, rinsing the bloody razor every few swipes. Meanwhile, I'm praying that the hair won't grow back until delivery. Holding onto the walls like a handicap rail, I wash my lower body. I can no longer see my hooha and washing it and my bottom is becoming quite the chore. I am usually scrunched over praying I don't fall and hit my head on the tile or tub and trying to wash the soap out. Then I have to twist around and try and do my bottom too.
I pee while in the shower because I can't wait until I'm out. Then I have to wash again because I just pee'd down my legs.
After the shower is done comes drying off. I never thought I would have this much acreage to dry off. And it's not made any easier by the fact my towels keep shrinking. Before long, I am going to start using pool towels and convince myself it's not a problem. I also feel like I need some sort of hydraulic lift to dry under my boobs these days.
I then sigh as I pass the bathroom mirror and into my closet to that mirror to try and find something to wear. Looking at my closet with all the pre-pregnancy clothes (most of I put in the basement) I have a short cry and then grab a pair of ugly grey or black sweatpants and a maternity shirt that no longer fits and my belly hangs out of the bottom. This usually takes a while because I'm in such denial about how big I really am thinking "oh my gosh I really can't fit this anymore".
Finally I am done. Exhausted I make my way back to the couch and take a nap.
---This is my routine to a tee. Hope you all enjoyed learning how a pregnancy shower works. I never before knew what it was like and wish I did ;)
That's all for now.